Looking back through all my entries and reflections I can see that I am often anxious, partly because of the excitement and partly because of my eagerness to achieve as much as possible. During our last group meeting I remember saying I wish I did not push myself too much into work and on the staff at Bush Radio. I guess it was partly out of my drive to get as many audio clips and to work as hard. There were times that I had to remind myself or had my friends tell me to keep my mind open to the experience. Then halfway through the trip I finally relaxed and did not worry as much about slaving away. Though I did try to maintain as much perfection in my work as possible, often staying up late.
I know this program is not only about getting good grades and working hard but to let every essence of South Africa wash over you continuously till you understand. But sometimes the pressure of competition, something which we are so used to at Emory and in the US, can just take over you attention. I tried to put everything on a pause button when it all got too much to remind myself of why I am here. And eventually I got it.
Another thing I often said was that I could see myself living and working here. And now that I think about it, maybe it's possible even more than my hometown Dubai. As much as I love my city, I know I will not get the opportunity to grow as a journalist unless I wrote only for a business paper. In Cape Town was where I found relatively quick flow of information and willingness to talk. Maybe in another internship I would say the same thing, but South Africa holds a vast treasure of social, political, racial and gender issues that need to be addressed and at this point I can see myself communicating to the people effectively here.
This brings me to another point. Throughout my life I have moved from one place to another, changing around three schools in three different cities. I have learnt how to adapt quickly to a place and just as easily detach myself emotionally from a location. It has been a part of my life and I have trained myself to get used to places, largely because of my boarding school experience.
So when I came to South Africa I found myself adjusting to the ways of doing things. In this case though I was not always confined to the four walls and interacted with people outside. While they could tell from my accent that I was not from there, I felt like this is was my area, where I lived. Even the occasional walks to Garden Center made me feel part of the community. When returning from Bush Radio I would catch myself saying, “Hey I am going home now.” For that is what it became to me. I had molded myself to live like South Africans, think like South Africans when coming up with show ideas, so could that mean I was feeling like a South African when I felt a pang upon seeing the site of the 1976 Soweto student uprising? I think all this time I wanted to be a South African because I felt like I belonged.
I think a reason behind this is because a lot of South Africa reminded me of India. The mixture of high rise buildings and shacks, the history of fighting against oppression, the connection with Mahatma Gandhi, the lingual and ethnic diversity; all of them are possible factors.
I also wondered as an international student what would my experience be like. As Alex said in my evaluation, a lot of times I was assumed to be American by an outsider just because all of us are in a group. Granted I do study in Atlanta and spend most of my year there, but even after two years I do not feel truly American. Yes I do feel a connection and the way that I now carry about my daily activities and manners could be called American. But I don’t identify myself as such. It’s maybe because there are so many things I have grown up with that are solely Indian or Dubai-based that I am so used to I couldn’t think of anything else. Even something as simple as switching the lights on by pushing the button down, which I absent-mindedly do when I am at Emory as well. But when we are in a group I kept wondering, should I display a sort of loyalty because everyone else is American or should I stick to my own individual choices?
When we went for a FIFA Confederations Cup (USA versus Italy match) in Pretoria, I casually mentioned to someone I was considering siding with Italy because they are so good. That person immediately replied saying that it was not fair because I study at Emory and so I should support the US team. I suppose the person had a point but then did my choice of university mean that I automatically owe allegiance to the United States? I ended up supporting the US team mostly because our group’s spirit was too contagious to pass and I was not that enamored with the Italian team. That definitely got me thinking though, about what I identify myself as when I go out of the country with my American friends. I think for now I am going to stick with my self-definition as Indian living in the Middle East until I settle in one place whether in India or elsewhere.
I have known a lot of Indian friends and family who have moved to or from South Africa. So it was from them I got the idea that the Indian community is indeed quite strong. The way Indian Americans live, which I have seen and experienced, must be similar to how Indians in South Africa live, or so I thought. I was excited to meet at least some Indians and gain their perspective. Some of the Indians I met in South Africa could not relate to some of any of the Indian food, clothing or cities I was talking about. I don’t blame them in any way as their families have adopted South Africa as their home and have every right to do so. And with Indian families it also depends on where you live and who your neighbors are. I visited some acquaintances in Johannesburg who lived in a town called Lenasia not far from Soweto that looked like a Little India. From grocery shops to temples to schools, everything the community needed was there. It felt like I was back home. I then asked them about the Indian experience here and they said that during apartheid they were seen as part of the non-white category. They were all fighting the system together but were often grouped in one area based on ethnicity during forced removals. But when the new government came in, many Indians started feeling neglected and formed communities and businesses to sustain themselves. Older generation Indians passed on some of the cultural heritage they brought with them and helped maintain some of the traditions while some came to the country and began a whole new way of life. Indian families are know to be cohesive and stick together to support each other in a foreign land but I was surprised to meet one Indian who did not know where exactly he came from. From my point of view I thought anybody would want to know about their heritage and origins. For any Indian knowing where you are from translates into a matter of pride. But then I thought I have no right to judge him for he might now know his heritage as South African and will construct it that way. Indeed many Indians have been living for years in South Africa and have carved a lifestyle and history here. And in many ways I could relate to that through living in the UAE, but not to such an extreme level. I have had the chance to live in India so I am very much in touch with my Indian culture. Seeing Indian South Africans live they way they were was indeed a revelation to me.
And now about our trips. Countless times I have said that I found them to be very enjoyable. There were the important sights and sounds, the landmarks and the people. Thinking back to them, it really did feel like a bit of volunteer tourism. And I do not mean that in a negative way. I realized that my initial opposition to being somewhat touristy has dissipated slightly. Or maybe we should refer to the terms as traveler. Professor Tefft was saying about how the previous group of students did not enjoy Johannesburg as much because of all the museum touring and found it too touristy. Well after this entire trip and armed with better understanding I can now say I beg to differ. By all means, oppose the intense amount of poverty tourism and the destruction to natural resources that wealthy tourists bring about. But not when it has some sort of educational purpose or is a way of introducing you to the place. In my view, getting used to and becoming part of a country requires phases, unless you are a certified anthropologist who knows how and where to blend in at the time. Maybe some of us need to go through that touristy phase in order to move on to the next level. Some of us are naturally tuned to cultures and do not need to go through all of that. I feel our entire group was expecting to be able to do that and in a month we all were inching slowly towards that point.
Out of all the things I learnt it was patience, with myself, with the place I was living in and not expect to perform miracles or make wonders. I am going to quote Roxanne from Hanging Out With The Help again where she said that in our hurry to go save the world, we may end up trivializing the present situation of the country. South Africa is a country that needs time, still healing from its wounds of the past and nurturing itself for the future. Globalization and technology has made us expect things to faster and smoother but let’s not forget the delicacy and complexity of South Africa.
